Category: Trauma & Healing

The Giver of Siddhis

Siddhidatri is the 9th manifestation of the fierce Goddess Durga. Durga is the alter ego of Parvati, the wife of Lord Shiva. Shiva dissolves, destroys, or renews.

“Siddhi” means superpower or meditative ability. “Dathri” means giver.

One of Shiva’s names is Ardhanarishwar, which means “half-female-lord.” Many believe that Siddhidatri comprises half of his body. In the Vedic scriptures, Lord Shiva attained all the siddhis by worshipping Siddhidatri.

Eclipse Season and the Shattering of Denial

The eclipse season leading up to Navratri in 2025 sobered me to the reality of what had happened over the past three years.

I have many names for this phase: magic men, goblins and gurus, the devil.

I began to write about my first “devil” in 2022. I had prolific panic attacks, and my physical symptoms exacerbated to such an extreme that I had to stop writing about it altogether.

Somewhere between then and now, the truth hit me like Monday morning: I had been in denial. For three years, I had avoided the seriousness of it all.

The Rogue Sikh

The Rogue Sikh — my Hackney landlord — raped me on Guru Nanak’s birthday in 2022.The 8th of November. A Blood Moon. A total Lunar Eclipse.

He raped me. I should have reported it immediately. I didn’t. I went into denial and self-gaslighting — a defence mechanism that has been with me since I was five.

It was the year of the goddess, and that night was powerful. It was time to reclaim my power after years of strife.

It made no sense to ordain a theft of power under such a dreadfully dark sky.

The Police Let Me Down

In the end, I reported the abuse, but the police had no genuine interest in the matter. I was profiled and let down.

It turned out that there were numerous prior allegations and reports against me. Some people misunderstood the situation, while others fabricated stories.

I never harmed anyone. I never made up false rumours. I never involved myself in situations that could cause harm. I always tried to help others, showed compassion and understanding.

My life has a repetitive theme of facing consequences for being authentic.

The courts, judges and juries aren’t ready for Marvel comics in real life.

Desperation and the Charlatan Sikh

Months later, desperate for help, I met another predator healer. An older Sikh, trusted and respected in his community—an elder with a title.

He confirmed what I knew: the police could not be trusted. He promised to help me. I believed him.

We spoke as equals about the unseen. I was desperate, gullible. The Charlatan Sikh began “healing” me.

But when someone tells you, “Even your Higher Self can’t reach you — only I can,” that is not healing.

When someone asks you to xxxx on command “to check your entities,” that is not healing.

That is abuse.

Energy Exchange, Boundaries and Consent

Sex — whether physical or energetic — is one of the most potent forms of energy exchange.

With consent and boundaries, the exchange is equal. Without them, it becomes theft.

He told me he needed to “imprint himself onto me” to cancel the imprint of the Rogue Sikh. He framed this as healing.

I consented. But consent requires truth. And when you’re traumatised, drugged, desperate, or misled, it is not valid consent.

It dawned on me how easy I had made it for them, even if it was unintentional. I hadn’t done much to honour, protect or preserve myself.

My boundaries were non-existent. Riddled with complex PTSD, I fawned and people pleased in exchange for validation, attention, and attachment.

What happened to me in the past and my present lifestyle choices left me dissociated and wide open for the taking.

Vampires & Inter-Dimensional Villains

I was an easy target—the perfect victim. I let them consume me, hoping they would save me; instead, they drained me.

What these men did was use me as a filling station, not only during the events but for years after.

Energy vampires may experience a boost—whether through sexual, solar, or creative energy—that gives them temporary vitality, sexual potency, or charisma. They may also feel an illusion of power, as if they are more “psychic,” because they are drawing energy from someone else, much like plugging into another person’s battery. For them, the act of domination itself becomes a source of high.

The truth is that nobody can steal superpowers and life force; what they received was merely a stimulant, resulting in increased karmic debt.

Low Vibrations and Abuse

The irony lies in the fact that they both succumbed to their animalistic natures. Sex and ego seem to be the overall downfall of men.

Both men exhibited an inability to control their sexual desires truly. They seemed overly attached to external validation and the need to be desired.

Perhaps they felt depleted and irrelevant on a physical level. Perhaps they needed the energetic supply to remain virile, youthful, and relevant.

Whatever it was, they both exhibited traits of narcissism and entitlement, attributes that lower the energy field and are closer to abuse.

Fried chicken had a detrimental impact on both.

Rituals and Loopholes

They both had it all figured out.

The Rogue Sikh would lie, deny and deflect when it came to the authorities. The Charlatan Sikh would tell the truth, but have no paper trails, witnesses, or means for any authoritarian figure or body to hold him accountable—and he’d get the public to fund his “work”.

When it came to karma and the evolution of their souls, being of service, meditating, intergalactic accountability hopping, and fire rituals would help purify and balance out the harm.

It’s like committing murder for six days of the week and thinking you’re off free because on the seventh day you go to church and confess your sins.

Misuse of Siddhis

These two men had acquired, after decades of meditation and spiritual practice, siddhis of their own, whether you believe me or not.

I experienced their gifts and witnessed them for myself. Others have too.

However, the superpowers are merely a byproduct of the practice, not its ultimate goal. In fact, they are more of a burden than a gift, because they can easily become distractions and be misused.

These men sorely misused their powers in some ferocious and unjust assault on my being.

They were envious of my gifts.

They thought, because of my sex, the colour of my skin, and the life I was living, I had no right to what God had given me.

They ordained themselves as demigods and thought that they could take what they wanted through distorted consent and barren boundaries.

They fed off me for as long as they wished, regardless of the consequences.

After all, I was just a dog to them.

Siddhis Through Worship, Not Theft

Shiva attained his powers through worship of Siddhidatri — through reverence, not manipulation.

The true siddhis he gained were qualities of being, not tricks of theft:

• Anima – humility (ability to shrink to the size of an atom)
• Mahima – expansion of consciousness (becoming vast)
• Garima – groundedness (infinite heaviness)
• Laghima – lightness of mind and heart (weightlessness)
• Prapti – manifestation through alignment (attaining anything)
• Prakāmya – fulfilment of desires via inner clarity (realising whatever one wills)
• Ishitva – mastery of self (supreme lordship, creation)
• Vashitva – harmony with the cosmos (dominion over beings, living and non-living)

Siddhis are attained through tapas, devotion, and grace — not through violation.

What Cannot Be Stolen

What they did was theft. What they sought was power.

But real siddhis cannot be stolen.

They only borrowed shadows of my energy.

And as I write this, I retract it.

My power was never truly lost.

With love.

Karmic Rebelle

Coercion is a deeply harmful form of control that can profoundly shape a person’s life. It’s often subtle, insidious, and difficult to identify, especially for those who have experienced it from a young age. Understanding what coercion looks like, how it operates, and how it impacts individuals is crucial in raising awareness and fostering healing.

What is Coercion?

Coercion is the act of compelling someone to do something by using threats, intimidation, or manipulation. Unlike overt violence, coercion often operates through implied consequences—silent threats that hang in the air, making victims feel trapped without needing explicit force.

This can look like:

• An angry glare that signals “Do what I say, or else…”
• Manipulative language like “If you really cared, you’d do this…”
• Silent treatment, emotional withdrawal, or creating a sense of guilt to force compliance.
• A power imbalance where one person exploits another’s fear or vulnerability.

In cases of abuse, coercion can create a cycle of obedience, fear, and silence. Victims may feel as though they have no other choice but to comply, even if they sense something is wrong.

Why Does Coercion Work?

Coercion works because it exploits fundamental human needs: safety, acceptance, and connection. For those who have experienced coercion repeatedly, especially during formative years, the brain learns to prioritize survival above all else. This survival instinct manifests in trauma responses such as:

• Fight – Trying to resist or confront the threat.
• Flight – Attempting to escape the situation or abuser.
• Freeze – Becoming paralyzed, unable to act.
• Fawn – Submitting to the abuser in an attempt to avoid harm.

In my case, coercion was a part of my childhood trauma. I was a victim of sexual abuse, and the coercion wasn’t verbal—it was an angry look, a silent threat that something bad would happen if I didn’t comply. Over time, my trauma response became fawning—I would instinctively comply, submit, and do what was asked to avoid potential harm. Later in life, similar patterns repeated in abusive relationships because my brain had been trained to equate compliance with survival.

Why Do Some People Escape Coercion Unharmed While Others Don’t?

Responses to coercion vary depending on many factors, including personality, resilience, the presence of supportive figures, and the frequency or severity of coercive experiences.

Some individuals may escape coercion unharmed because:

• They have strong boundaries and a healthy sense of self-worth.
• They had people in their lives who modelled healthy relationships and provided safety.
• They encountered coercion later in life, after their sense of identity was already established.

Others, like myself, may find it harder to break free because coercion was present from a young age, shaping how we see ourselves and the world. When coercion is the norm in families—whether through emotional manipulation, threats, or silent expectations—it teaches children that their needs, desires, and boundaries don’t matter. They grow up believing that compliance is the only way to stay safe.

The Lifelong Impact of Coercion

When coercion starts in childhood, its effects can last a lifetime. It can lead to:

• Chronic anxiety and fear – Constantly scanning for danger or signs of disapproval.
• Low self-esteem – Feeling as though one’s worth depends on pleasing others.
• Difficulty setting boundaries – Struggling to say no or advocate for oneself.
• Fawning as a default response – Automatically complying with others to avoid conflict or harm.
• Attracting further abuse – Sadly, predators often recognize and exploit those who have been conditioned to fawn.

For victims of long-term coercive abuse, it can take years—sometimes decades—to even recognize that what they experienced was abusive. Many blame themselves, believing they were “weak” for not resisting. But the truth is, coercion traps people in a cycle of fear where resistance feels impossible.

How to Spot Coercion

Recognising coercion is the first step to stopping it. Coercion may be present if:

• You feel anxious or afraid when someone makes a request, even if they don’t explicitly threaten you.
• You comply with demands not because you want to, but because you fear the consequences.
• You feel powerless to say no or assert your own needs.
• You notice others using guilt, shame, or silent pressure to control you.

How to Stop Coercion

Breaking free from coercion involves:

• Recognising it – Understanding that coercion is a form of control, not genuine care or love.
• Setting boundaries – This can feel terrifying at first, especially for those conditioned to fawn. Start small—practice saying no to minor requests and work your way up.
• Seeking support – Healing from coercion often requires external support. This can come from trusted friends, therapists, or support groups who validate your experience and help you rebuild your sense of self.
• Developing self-compassion – Many victims of coercion blame themselves for not resisting. Remember: you did what you had to do to survive. Healing begins when you stop blaming yourself and start showing yourself kindness.
• Learning healthy communication – Building new patterns takes time. It involves unlearning automatic trauma responses and practising assertiveness in a safe, supportive environment.

Final Thoughts

Coercion thrives in silence. By understanding it, recognising its signs, and speaking out, we can help ourselves and others break free from its grip. No one should have to live in fear or submission, whether as a child or an adult. If you’ve experienced coercion, know that you’re not alone—and you can heal. You deserve a life where your voice matters, your boundaries are respected, and your safety is never compromised.

Let’s continue to educate, support, and create spaces where coercion can no longer thrive. Together, we can break the cycle.

With love.

Karmic Rebelle

Two hours. That’s how long it took me to manage my most recent panic attack. When I looked back at the triggers, I could see the usual culprits: PTSD, anticipatory stress, and adrenal fatigue. They form a toxic cocktail that brews in my mind and body, leaving me shaken and overwhelmed.

This is often how my panic attacks begin—caught in a trauma loop. Flashes of memory, intrusive thoughts, and surges of emotion invade without warning. It doesn’t matter where I am. Whether walking with Radha or standing in a crowded store, these thoughts are relentless. Sometimes I’m so lost in them that I’ll find myself crying without even realising it.

Radha, my service dog, is my constant support in public. She helps me feel safe when I’m overwhelmed, which is almost all the time. That’s my normal: a state of perpetual emotional tension. But every so often, that normal unravels into a full-blown breakdown—a rupture I can’t avoid.

The Trauma Loop

When the trauma loop tightens its grip, it’s like a dam bursting. Memories and emotions come flooding in, faster than I can process. My body reacts violently: nausea churns in my stomach, my muscles camp, and my breathing becomes shallow. Sometimes, I cry for hours, unable to stop. At its worst, I’ve harmed myself, though Radha’s presence has made that far less likely now.

Even so, when I’m caught in the loop, I struggle to find a way out. The thoughts repeat endlessly, amplifying unbearable emotions. I start catastrophising, envisioning the worst-case scenarios, and the cycle feeds itself until I’m completely drained. The constant flood of cortisol and adrenaline leaves me in a state of hyper-vigillance, leading to adrenal fatigue and burnout.

Ignoring the Signs

My body tries to warn me before the breakdown comes. Cramping in my calves, a racing heart, and a white film on my tongue—these are the signs. My temper flares more easily, and I lash out in frustration. But I ignore it all because slowing down means facing the storm in my mind, and I’ll do anything to avoid that.

Recently, during another breakdown, I called the crisis team. “I can’t feel my legs or feet,” I told the clinician on the other end of the line. I explained that Radha still needed her walk, and I was too overwhelmed to even leave the house.

The clinician suggested a progressive muscle relaxation exercise, a technique I recognised from teaching yoga. I knew it worked—both for me and for my students. After the call, I put on a short YouTube video, lay down, and began breathing deeply, releasing tension bit by bit.

Radha’s Intuition

Radha had been quietly watching the entire time. What she did next left me in awe.

As I focused on my breathing, she approached me and gently applied pressure to my throat—a technique she’s been trained to do when I’m in distress. But this time, she went further. Sensing that I was still disconnected from my body, she started playfully nuzzling my fingers and toes.

Before I knew it, I was laughing uncontrollably. The absurdity of it—going from sobbing to laughing in seconds—was like stepping into a completely different reality. Her playful energy pulled me back into the present, grounding me in my body again.

But that wasn’t all.

A Gentle Push

As I sat up, still giggling, Radha turned her attention to a couple of journals on my bedside table. She nudged them with her nose, one after the other. I hadn’t written in years—two decades, in fact. Writing used to be a way to process my emotions, but I stopped when the pain became too much to face.

“Do you want me to write, Radha?” I asked her, half-joking. She responded with her enthusiastic little “yes” signal, and I couldn’t help but smile.

The next morning, I tried something different. I sat in bed with my notebook, breathing deeply as Radha curled up beside me. She let out her soft, contented sounds, a signal of approval. “That’s a good girl,” I whispered, more to her than to myself.

At that moment, I realised she wasn’t just pulling me out of the trauma loop. She was gently guiding me toward something I had been avoiding for years: the act of confronting my feelings through writing.

A New Routine

Radha’s intuitive support didn’t just save me from a breakdown; it gave me a new way to cope. Writing has become part of my routine again, a tool to process what I once thought was too painful to face. And every time I pick up my pen, Radha is there, my constant companion, reminding me that healing doesn’t have to be a solitary journey.

Radha’s presence is more than comforting—it’s transformative. She doesn’t just pull me back from the edge; she helps me reclaim pieces of myself I thought were lost forever.

With love.

Karmic Rebelle

I had my chocolate last night. I opted for a 70% dark chocolate with vanilla and cashew butter centre. It was a bit pricy but worth it! This is why:

I’ve been practically debilitated by physical and emotional pain for the past several days. I initially relied on a standard over the counter ibuprofen , mild yoga, meditation and breathing. Yesterday the pain got worse and I had to consult my GP, who prescribed a cocktail of stronger medication. I opted for a stronger ibuprofen that requires a prescription, as opposed to opioid based pain meds (the pain was that bad) and a beta blocker instead of benzodiazepines to relieve the anxiety and relax the tension in my body.

My preference is to use natural methods of healing. Most of the time I move energy and that relieves pain and tension. The results are always phenomenal – glowing skin, bright blue eyes, youthfulness, a happy smile and zero pain. To do my natural and intuitive healing, I need to conquer my mind and these last few days I couldn’t hack it.

Even though the medication worked, I still had a dull ache niggling in the background. I was craving chocolate and the effects have been astonishing!

I experienced an instant mood lift. I was happy and playful last nigh before bed, and this morning I woke up with a cheerful disposition.

My physical pain went away and it’s still at bay this morning.

My tension has evaporated. My headache had disappeared. My body feels light and free. My mind is clear and focussed.

All of this from a tiny bit of chocolate!

Dark chocolate (70% plus) boosts feel good chemicals like endorphins and serotonin and dopamine in the brain. Endorphins are natural pain killers and mood enhancers. Dopamine gives us a sense of pleasure and reward – which is excellent if you’re dealing with trauma recovery that comes with heavy feelings of shame and regret. Cacao contains tryptophan, an amino acid used by the brain to produce serotonin which helps regulate your mood and reduce anxiety!

Cacao also contains other mods enhancing compounds. Phenylethylamine, which is the same chemical your brain produces when you fall in love, increases alertness and elevates your mood. Theobromine improves your mood and energy. Anandamide which bind to brain receptor linked to pain reduction and bliss enhancement. The word “ananda” actually derives from the Sanskrit word for bliss or joy.

Dark chocolate contains flavanols which help improve circulation, reduce inflammation, and support oxygen delivery to the brain and muscles. Dark chocolate also helps to reduce cortisol, the stress hormone, which helps to calm the nervous system, reduce the perception of pain and support overall emotional resilience.

I’m sure you will agree with me that dark chocolate is indeed a miracle cure for ailments associated with nervous system dysfunction, anxiety, depression, stress and physical pain.

I’m so impressed by the fast acting effects of cacao, that I’ve decided to make my own. Here’s a recipe for you to try at home:

Homemade Dark Chocolate (Mood-Lifting & Nourishing Version)

Base Ingredients:

• ½ cup (50g) cocoa or cacao powder – raw cacao is more nutrient-dense if you want a boost
• ¼ cup (50g) coconut oil or cacao butter – cacao butter gives a more “real chocolate” texture
• 2–4 tbsp maple syrup or raw honey – adjust sweetness to taste
• 1 tsp vanilla bean paste – for warmth and aroma
• Pinch of sea salt – enhances flavour and balances sweetness

Optional Add-ins:

• 1–2 tbsp cashew butter – makes it creamier and adds healthy fats (great for PMS support)
• 1 tsp maca powder – hormone-balancing, energy-boosting
• Pinch of cinnamon or chilli – circulation, anti-inflammatory
• Chopped nuts, rose petals, goji berries, sea salt flakes, cacao nibs – texture and magic

How to Make It (Stovetop Method):

1. Melt your coconut oil or cacao butter gently over low heat (double boiler preferred).
2. Whisk in cocoa powder until smooth and glossy.
3. Stir in sweetener, vanilla paste, and cashew butter until fully combined.
4. Add salt and other extras, if using.
5. Pour into silicone moulds, a parchment-lined tin, or an ice cube tray.
6. Freeze or refrigerate for 30–60 mins until firm.
7. Store in fridge or freezer and eat mindfully.

May you be pain free and happy. Enjoy!

With love.

Karmic Rebelle