This year, something finally clicked.
I realised the root cause of my health issues—both physical and psychological—has always been a dysregulated nervous system. It’s wild to think I missed something so central for so long. The signs have been there for decades. But when you’re constantly just trying to survive, it’s easy to overlook the deeper patterns.
The turning point came during a particularly dark time. My PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation were at extreme levels. For most of last year, I was unwell. And by unwell, I mean:
- persistent suicidal ideation
- barely eating
- leaving the house only for an hour a day
- extreme brain fog
- forgetfulness
- sadness, anger, physical pain
Then came the seasonal shift in London—from warm to cold. Every year, this transition hits hard. But this time, it broke me. I had a complete meltdown in a public park. The cold, the dread, the internal chaos—my body just couldn’t hold it anymore. My nervous system was on fire.
When you’re in that state, relaxing feels impossible. And I say that as someone who should know how. I’m a trained, qualified tantric yogini. I’ve spent years learning how to master my breath, body, and mind. And still—when my nervous system is dysregulated, no amount of stretching, meditating, or breathing brings me back down.
I’m not saying those practices don’t help—they do. In fact, they’re the only things (besides my assistance dog) that do help. But for lasting change, we need to go deeper. We need to go inside the mind and rewire from the roots.
So this year, I’ve committed to doing exactly that.
I’ve dived into somatic healing, nervous system regulation, and really getting to know my “disorders”—not as labels, but as signals, messages, roadmaps. I’ve got a stack of books, and I’ve pulled away from most people (again) to focus on healing.
To be fair, there weren’t many people left. But even those few relationships weren’t good for me. And thanks to the emotional intensity of BPD, the way those connections ended wasn’t exactly peaceful. But maybe that’s how certain chapters have to close—loud and final.
And now, some hope.
There’s a belief that the brain loses its ability to change as we age—that neuroplasticity fades.
That’s simply not true.
The brain always has the capacity to form new pathways. We’re never too old, too broken, or too far gone to heal.
Habits, behaviours, personalities—all stem from the routes our brain takes again and again. But we can change those routes. It takes work, but it’s possible.
Things that help:
- CBT
- DBT
- Mindfulness
- Yoga
- Meditation
- Breathwork
- Somatics
I’m deep in this journey right now. Reading, practising, observing. And I’ll be sharing what I learn along the way—honestly, openly, and in the hope that it helps someone else too.
You’re not alone. Your nervous system isn’t broken. And healing is always possible.
With love.
Karmic Rebelle