Author: hajnalkacecilia@icloud.com

Living with Neurodivergence and a Shopping List.

I avoid going to the shops. I buy what I can online, but I have to go out to get fresh fruit and vegetables and items that Sainsbury’s doesn’t have online. I have to wait for a good/okay day before I can go shopping. Sometimes I can’t tell if it’s a good day. Sometimes I have to go to my local in an emergency, and that creates even more distress.

Going out takes prep for me. It never used to be this bad. It got worse after repeated abuse, trauma and re-traumatisation coupled with resurfacing of historical childhood trauma. I used to be high functioning. I used to work several jobs alongside running my own Yoga business. It all collapsed, and quite frankly, the reason for that collapse was the lack of trauma-informed support, systemic failures, misspelling, control, coercion and narcissistic abuse.

But that’s a story for another time. Some of you might remember things I wrote in 2020. I’ll revisit these themes at a later stage.

I need to be in the correct frame of mind and have good physical health to go out and do something as simple as buying something from the shops. I often experience executive dysfunction, sensory overwhelm, physical strain, internalised guilt, impaired Interoception, hyper-vigilance, sensory sensitivity, self-judgement, trauma activation and emotional flashbacks.

Today I went to the shops. I didn’t take extra bags. I knew I should have, but didn’t. As I approached the shops, I kept grounding and centring myself because I was getting internally reactive towards the crowds. Smile and breathe is the golden method. And don’t engage. Look and walk the other way if conflicts arise. Pray that the manager or security guard will follow the law today and leave you and Radha alone.

I do the shop. Things are going well. Except, Holland & Barrett fucked up my order and sent it to Mare Street, Hackney. That triggered me because it’s a few minutes away from where the predator landlord lives, and that’s where I got raped. I’m annoyed that I can’t just hop on a bus and go there myself. Mare Street would be nice. There’s an antique shop I like there. Relax. Breathe. Maybe I should try it. No! I already had memories of the Hackney Sikh and the police failures before I left the house. Not a good idea. Stick to the plan.

Pay for the shop. I overdid it again. Bought too many treats for Radha. I’d better eat all this veg. I didn’t ring up the sweet potatoes. Whatever. Just eat the fucking veg. I remember my friend called. They asked how I was. I said I was at the shops. They said they were proud of me. That made me feel good.

The water bottle falls. Fuck. Leave it. Someone bends to pick it up. There’s water all over the floor now. It’s by my feet. It looked like I pissed myself. The couple sat across from me, staring. The woman gestures to the man as if to say – she xxxx herself. I feel like saying out loud that I did xxxx myself just for the xxxx of it. They look at me, then at Radha. An older lady comes to stand near me. She sees the liquid on the floor. Looks at me. Looks at Radha. Looks at my dress. She’s trying to work out if I xxxx myself. Oh, for xxxx sake. Let them think you xxxx yourself. I feel like pulling the alarm and telling someone to help dry it up. But I don’t. I get off at the next stop.

Thank xxxx. That was intense. Sensory overwhelm and the rest of it. Mind racing. Bag heavy. At least I’m out of the xxxx now. Stairs. Mother xxxx. Why did I not ask for extra xxxx bags? We spoke about this before, the lady at the shop and I. We discussed slowing down and preventing meltdowns, among other things. The woman on the train says there’s a lift to the side. Thank goodness! A kind stranger. The rest of the xxxx left on the train going to Camden are too young to understand. And too poor. Or poorich. Whatever. Just chill. You’re on benefits, girl. Relax.

Finally, I get home. Back and legs are sore now. Typical. Unpack the groceries. Unpack my mind. I should have got the extra xxxx bags. Remember next time.

And then … rumination time!

Catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I look xxxx hot today. Yum!

So, what happened today? Let’s unpack this from a Neurodivergent and trauma-informed perspective. A brief reminder that I have a diagnosis of BPD, ADHD, ASD, CPTSD & Anxiety. Yes, the underlying cause for all of this is trauma, but also, especially where it concerns ASD, my brain is wired differently, and it will always be different.

Executive Dysfunction (ADHD/ASD):

• I thought about bringing extra bags, but didn’t follow through.
• I knew midday was a bad time to travel, but couldn’t shift or revise the plan.
• I didn’t act on the thought to ask for help or buy a second bag when the opportunity was right there.

This isn’t laziness. It’s the brain’s struggle to prioritise and initiate tasks, especially under stress.

Impaired Interoception (ASD/CPTSD):

• I didn’t realise how much strain I was putting on my body until it was too late.
• I couldn’t feel in real time that the bag was too heavy.
• I couldn’t assess or act when pain, sensory input, and internal signals were screaming at once.

This is why I spiral after the fact — because I don’t always register the cues during.

Fawn/Freeze Trauma Response (CPTSD/BPD):

• I apologised when I wasn’t sure I’d done anything wrong.
• I used a tiny, childlike voice when asking for help.
• I didn’t speak up when I could have — I defaulted to pleasing, avoiding, or making myself small.

These are survival adaptations from a life of being punished for having needs.

Hypervigilance + Sensory Sensitivity (CPTSD/ASD):

• I scanned constantly for stares, smells, sounds, and potential conflict.
• The xxxx smell, the water spill, the man’s silence, the woman’s look — all felt like threats.
• I didn’t have my headset. The noise became unbearable. My nervous system couldn’t regulate.

I experience the world too much, too fast, and too loud. It’s exhausting.

Self-Judgement Loop (BPD/CPTSD):

• “Why do I always xxxx this up?”
• “I should’ve brought the bags.”
• “It must’ve been something I did.”

This is not rational thought — it’s internalised blame from years of being made to feel like the problem.

Trauma Activation & Emotional Flashbacks:

• I had flashbacks before leaving the house — to the rape, the police, Hackney, and old memories of public humiliation.
• A minor trigger (like the shop order going to Mare Street) sent me back in time.
• My system can’t tell the difference between past and present when the body remembers danger.

The trauma lives in my nervous system, not just my memory.

Misogyny and Ableism Have Left Scars:

• When I collapsed in Asda once, a man said he was “embarrassed for me.”
• When I looked overwhelmed on the train, people judged instead of helping.
• When I ask for help or show distress, people treat me like I’m broken, dramatic, or unstable.

Women — especially traumatised women — are expected to suffer silently and still be nice about it.

It’s not just “a trip to the shops.” It’s a full-blown operation.

It’s a system of mental gymnastics, emotional labour, spiritual endurance, and physical strength.

And today, I did it. I xxxx did it.

If you’ve made it this far, thank you for witnessing. This post is for anyone who’s ever been told they’re too much — or not enough—for simply existing in a world not built for them.

With love.

Karmic Rebelle

This piece is difficult to write, and it may be difficult to read — but it’s necessary.

It’s not just my story. It’s a mirror of what happens when trauma, disability, and systemic ignorance collide.

When I reported being raped, my diagnosis — Borderline Personality Disorder — was used against me by the very people who were meant to protect me.

The police made assumptions based on stigma, not fact. They dismissed my trauma because of a label.

They let a rapist walk free. And I was left to survive the consequences.

This is not just about BPD. It’s about what happens when mental health diagnoses become weapons — when neurodivergent people are disbelieved, discarded, and denied justice.

It’s about truth. And the cost of being seen as “too complicated” to protect.

If you’re someone who lives with BPD, ADHD, ASD, or CPTSD — I see you. If you’ve ever been disbelieved or dismissed because of your diagnosis — this is for you.

This is part of my story. And it is told in my voice, on my terms. Please read with care.

When the police interviewed me about the rape, one reason they didn’t believe me was my diagnosis: BPD. They had just googled the disability and made an ignorant, ill-informed judgment that was both discriminatory and harmful. They decided BPD meant I was inherently manipulative — a compulsive liar by default.

This is not the case with BPD. Compulsive lying is not a diagnostic criterion. When being diagnosed by medical professionals, this is what they actually look at:

Frantic Efforts to Avoid Abandonment

Individuals with BPD have a deep-seated fear of real or imagined abandonment, and they will go to great lengths to prevent it. It makes no sense to report a false rape if you’re terrified of being left alone. Reporting someone would mean losing them — not something someone with BPD seeks.

Also, about going through with the non-molestation order against my ex, leaving my husband, and finally filing for divorce — it wouldn’t make sense to lie about those things if it meant being alone in the end. The mistakes I made because of my disability were to stay in toxic and abusive relationships and not to report rape immediately. The police didn’t consider this.

Unstable and Intense Relationships

Highs and lows are a hallmark of BPD relationships. It still doesn’t equate to lying or making rape up.

Identity Disturbance

A persistent instability in self-image or sense of self is a hallmark of BPD. This characteristic is partly what makes it so easy for others to manipulate, coerce, and take advantage of me. This vulnerability is exactly why BPD qualifies as a disability under the Equality Act — because it makes people like me easier to manipulate and abuse. In my case, the reason I have an unstable sense of self is because of child sex abuse, verbal abuse, coercion, neglect, and narcissistic abuse over a lifetime.

Impulsivity

This must manifest in at least two areas and can include things like overspending, substance abuse, binge eating, and self-harm. At the time of the interview, I was heavily reliant on xxxx to help cope with emotions. xxxx helps to suppress and keep intense feelings at bay so I don’t have to experience or feel them.

They thought I was a heroin and crack user — because some arseholes from Isle of Dogs / Canary Wharf made a false report about me. And because the Hackney Sikh Rapist was trafficking heroin or opium — something I suspected and told the police — they assumed I was a user too.

They wouldn’t believe me when I said I’d never touched it. I’m incredibly triggered by my neighbours, especially because of this kind of false reporting — I was always kind and helpful, and insidious jealousy and feelings of superiority caused significant harm to me. It prevented me from getting the help and protection I needed, and in turn, I lost more years of my life.

And there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

Recurrent Suicidal Behaviour, Gestures, Threats, or Self-Mutilation

This is in response to perceived abandonment and the experience of emotional distress.

Affective Instability

The experience of frequent, rapid, and intense shifts in mood. These shifts can involve extreme emotions like anger, anxiety, or depression, and the intensity can be out of proportion to the situation. It’s difficult for me to self-regulate. Although I would argue that my anger is not always disproportionate to the problem — especially when it concerns persistent neglect on the part of the system.

Chronic Feelings of Emptiness

I don’t experience this at all.

Inappropriate, Intense Anger or Difficulty Controlling Anger

Yes, it happens. But it’s not a crime. It’s not a reason to disbelieve rape disclosures.

Transient Paranoid Ideation or Severe Dissociative Symptoms

As I’ve experienced more traumatic events repeatedly from childhood through to adulthood, I’ve experienced more moments of dissociation and a growing sense that others may harm me.

This is a tricky one because those feelings often manifest in reality, so it’s sometimes difficult to know what’s true and what’s not. Again, this makes me vulnerable to exploitation and further harm because I can be gaslit — which increases feelings of suspicion and dissociation.

So, as you can see, nowhere does it say that people with BPD are manipulative liars who use heroin, prostitute themselves, and lie about rape to get a free house from the council. That’s not a personality disorder — that’s a toxic myth.

Also, none of this includes characteristics from other neurodivergent conditions like ADHD, ASD, or complex PTSD.

From childhood, I found it challenging to lie. This is a marked characteristic of my personality, and I have many people to vouch for me on that point — from schoolteachers to parents and other family members.

So, in conclusion: the police dramatically failed me, and the result was significant harm and loss of life. A rapist and trafficker is still out there — free — after doing it before me, to me, and probably again after me.

So if you’re with someone who has BPD and compulsively lies? Sorry you got a shitty person — but that isn’t me.

I don’t lie. I did get raped. By that Sikh-Not-Sikh in Hackney.

The failure of the police to protect me then led me into the arms of another predator — again in the Sikh community — this time one posing as a good Satsangi and healer. And it’s impacted me dramatically.

The system has failed me and continues to fail people like me.

This doesn’t even begin to cover the diagnostic criteria and lived reality of ADHD, ASD, or complex PTSD. But I carry all of it. And I’m still here.

With love.

Karmic Rebelle

This year, something finally clicked.

I realised the root cause of my health issues—both physical and psychological—has always been a dysregulated nervous system. It’s wild to think I missed something so central for so long. The signs have been there for decades. But when you’re constantly just trying to survive, it’s easy to overlook the deeper patterns.

The turning point came during a particularly dark time. My PTSD, depression, and suicidal ideation were at extreme levels. For most of last year, I was unwell. And by unwell, I mean:

• persistent suicidal ideation
• barely eating
• leaving the house only for an hour a day
• extreme brain fog
• forgetfulness
• sadness, anger, physical pain

Then came the seasonal shift in London—from warm to cold. Every year, this transition hits hard. But this time, it broke me. I had a complete meltdown in a public park. The cold, the dread, the internal chaos—my body just couldn’t hold it anymore. My nervous system was on fire.

When you’re in that state, relaxing feels impossible. And I say that as someone who should know how. I’m a trained, qualified tantric yogini. I’ve spent years learning how to master my breath, body, and mind. And still—when my nervous system is dysregulated, no amount of stretching, meditating, or breathing brings me back down.

I’m not saying those practices don’t help—they do. In fact, they’re the only things (besides my assistance dog) that do help. But for lasting change, we need to go deeper. We need to go inside the mind and rewire from the roots.

So this year, I’ve committed to doing exactly that.

I’ve dived into somatic healing, nervous system regulation, and really getting to know my “disorders”—not as labels, but as signals, messages, roadmaps. I’ve got a stack of books, and I’ve pulled away from most people (again) to focus on healing.

To be fair, there weren’t many people left. But even those few relationships weren’t good for me. And thanks to the emotional intensity of BPD, the way those connections ended wasn’t exactly peaceful. But maybe that’s how certain chapters have to close—loud and final.

And now, some hope.

There’s a belief that the brain loses its ability to change as we age—that neuroplasticity fades.

That’s simply not true.

The brain always has the capacity to form new pathways. We’re never too old, too broken, or too far gone to heal.

Habits, behaviours, personalities—all stem from the routes our brain takes again and again. But we can change those routes. It takes work, but it’s possible.

Things that help:

• CBT
• DBT
• Mindfulness
• Yoga
• Meditation
• Breathwork
• Somatics

I’m deep in this journey right now. Reading, practising, observing. And I’ll be sharing what I learn along the way—honestly, openly, and in the hope that it helps someone else too.

You’re not alone. Your nervous system isn’t broken. And healing is always possible.

With love.

Karmic Rebelle

Today, my anxiety skyrocketed. I felt like I was on the verge of a breakdown, drowning in overwhelming emotions. And then I noticed something—I was stuck on an old thought loop, replaying the ‘ring saga’ that I had already worked through.

The thoughts were sticky, pulling me back into emotions I thought I had let go of. But instead of spiralling, I caught myself. I reminded myself: We already worked through this, girl. It’s all good now. And just like that, the thoughts started to loosen their grip.

At first, I was resistant to acknowledging what was happening—I wasn’t fully aware of my rising anxiety. But then Radha stepped in. She could sense it before I could, and once I stopped resisting and let her do her thing, I started breathing deeply. From there, the process followed naturally.

I didn’t just stop there. I kept breathing deeply and consciously, giving my nervous system the signal to calm down. Then I went for a long walk—one of my go-to tools for resetting when my brain feels stuck. The combination of Radha’s support, reframing my thoughts, breathing, and moving my body worked together to bring me back to the present.

I still feel some anxiety, but the difference is that it’s just anxiety now—not a story attached to it. The sticky thoughts are gone. And that’s the win.

What I realized today is that it’s not just overthinking that keeps emotions alive—it’s our actual brain chemistry. For those of us with neurodivergent brains (BPD, ADHD, CPTSD, etc.), emotional processing works differently. Our brains tend to:

• Have an overactive amygdala, making emotions feel more intense.
• Have a weaker prefrontal cortex, making it harder to rationalize and shift focus.
• Hold onto emotional memories like they’re happening right now (thanks to a smaller hippocampus).
• Keep us stuck in high cortisol levels, making it harder to move on.

So if you ever wonder “Why can’t I just let this go?”—it’s not because you’re weak. It’s because your brain is wired to hold on. But the good news? You can train it to let go too.

Today showed me that healing isn’t about never feeling anxiety or never having intrusive thoughts. It’s about trusting myself to move through them—to remind myself that I’ve done the work, to breathe through the discomfort, and to take action that supports my nervous system.

So next time you feel stuck in a thought loop, try this: Pause & remind yourself what you’ve already worked through. Breathe deeply & consciously to activate your vagus nerve. Let your support system—whether a person or an animal—help you regulate. Move your body—walk, stretch, shake it out. Trust that emotions pass, and you don’t have to stay stuck.

Every time you do this, you’re proving to yourself that you can break the cycle. One win at a time.

Can you relate? What helps you shift out of an emotional spiral?

With love.

Karmic Rebelle